Don't Make Me Feel "Crazy"

I decided to write about something that I have experienced before, and am currently dealing with (unfortunately). 
It's not exactly Gaslighting, but I believe that it is a form of Gaslighting. It's a form of manipulation....a tactic that narcissistic individuals use (that's for yet another entry at some point).

I have always been embarrassed and ashamed, and somewhat scared and nervous, to talk about myself (my problems), what I am going through, and what I have went through.

But, if I have learned anything (and this was just recently) in my years of Life Mistakes, it's that you NEED to talk to someone about what speed bumps and difficulties you're experiencing at whatever point in life. This is for a few reasons. One of them being to keep yourself grounded and in your right mind. It's always good to get an outside, more subjective perspective on a subject or situation. It's good to get an impartial opinion on something. If the mind/brain are over stressed, overwhelmed, etc, it is easy to have a distorted perception about things you are experiencing. You need to know if you are thinking reasonably and rationally, or if you are blowing it out of proportion. When the mind is clouded by poisonous words and hate (that someone else is dispensing on you).
It's good to be held down in reality by someone you can rely on, and not to have your mind sit and stagnate in the fecal matter that is negative thoughts which are put upon you by certain other people in your life (which end up being a way of thinking you can automatically adopt).
In regard to my situation, I select very few trustworthy people to run things by. It may take me a while to work up the courage to mention and discuss things, but it does eventually happen (usually). I need to know if I am feeling and reacting normally, or if I'm exaggerating things out of proportion.
If someone is treating you poorly, you just want to be assured that your feelings are warranted and valid. Especially if you have a "problem" such as depression or anxiety. These things often bring about "all or nothing" thinking, or black and white thinking (everything is always an extreme in one direction or another).

You need to confirm your sanity. Usually the people who are mentally and emotionally mistreating someone are in some form of denial, or are delusional themselves. They will say whatever they have to in order to make what they're doing make sense to them...to make it sound like they are right in whatever it is they are doing.
Those manipulative, monstrous, maddening "people" will deny having said something or deny having done something. They'll say something along the lines of "you're making that up", "that didn't really happen", "you took it the wrong way", "you're over reacting", etc. The different ways of spinning it are endless.
They do it to get the blame off of them...to make you question your thinking and sanity (taking the focus off of what it was they did wrong).

That is cruelty. That is mental and psychological abuse.

That is where the benefit of talking with others comes in handy...the keep you sane, and to keep you from driving yourself crazy questioning yourself.

New Year, Same Crap

Oh, what a horrible person I am when it comes to keeping a "goal". 
So much for writing every day.
I have my excuses. I have had zero alone time for the last two months! I can't write when I'm not allowed to concentrate for an extended period of time, let alone not allowed any privacy.

I'll delve deeper into that soon. That's an entry all it's own.

When the opportunity arises (which will be soon), I will be writing almost every day. When I get on a roll, there's no stopping me.
At the moment, I am trapped with a person who is very not supportive. Every time I say, out loud, a goal, I am met with a negative comment of some sort....

- "I want to get a desk, so I can have a place designated for writing. It'll be encouraging to write a bit more."

- "You ain't gonna write nothing. You're not going to be a famous writer."

Notice the different ways in which each statement is spoken

That, in itself, speaks volumes of what I am up against.

It is hard enough for me to encourage and uplift myself. It's even harder living with a negative, closed minded dream hater.

That, in retrospect, I have discovered is why I am where I am in life. That place being where I don't want to be...physically, as well as mentally and emotionally.

My life has always consisted of me constantly trying to shovel the shit that is bestowed upon me, while more shit is coming down.
It's very comparable to trying to shovel while it's still snowing.

That is something I want to...no. That is something that I AM going to change! That IS one goal that I AM determined to accomplish. I'm hoping rather soon.
I am determined to reclaim my life as my own, and to be finished making poor, life ruining decisions!

Don't Think, Kim

I have come to the conclusion that me trying to THINK before writing is where my problem lies. I have sat in front of this damn computer for weeks...thinking. Well, and you see how far that got me.

I have so many ideas (good ideas, honestly) that I could have written a blog every single day since I started this...plus a whole volume of books!

Stupid me for thinking!

I may talk quite a bit about dealing with (or trying to deal with) stress. It seems to be an ongoing theme in my life (moreso than the average person). You'll also notice that I do LOTS of asides using the "()".

That's how I talk, too.

I deal with so much stress on an hourly basis. I do not exaggerate!

You'll learn more about that as time goes on.

The stress I handle is not "worry" stress. I learned how to eliminate that kind of stress years ago. It wasn't easy, though, believe me. I learned how to do that from my Dad. He was an ever constant worrier...until he had his heart attack at the age of 57.

The stress I live with (voluntarily involuntary) with due to the people that are around me. They seem to like imposing their life problems, stress, and crap upon me. The problem with me is that I let them.

Correcting that is a work in progress. Not necessarily an easy process, seeing as how it means eliminating certain people from my life. Some people are not that easy to get rid of (sometimes due to their type of and level of dumbness).

Again, another topic to discuss over time.

 Look at this....

I wrote all this in less than an hour...because I wasn't thinking. Or, rather, I wasn't trying to put more thought into it than I should. That is my obvious problem.

I guess I want to impress folks with my writing...which is so unlike me because I do not go to any length to impress anyone. I am me (unfortunately). This is who and how I am. I will not change who I am as a person. So, if you don't like how I am, that's too bad for you. \If you change because someone wants you to, you're just a liar (to others AND yourself).

So, me and my non-thinking brain will be back sooner than we were this time!

Living with Pain

Hi.
You will learn, eventually, that I have a lot of "problems". I always say that from the neck down, I'm healthy. It's from the neck on up where I have all my problems. 
Aside from the lovely depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc that I have been blessed with, I, also, suffer with migraines and tension headaches. It sounds just lovely, I know.
I guess I could say that I live with chronic pain. But I don't ever say that. I don't know why. I guess I just like for people to know that all the pain is specifically located in my head....so that if I seem to be stupid, they understand why.

Ok. Now I'm just trying really hard to be funny.

I do have tremendously painful migraines and tension headaches. I've been seeing a neurologist for about six years. Prior to that, I lived with headaches for seven years. I just thought I had bad sinuses...seeing as how I had infected sinuses and had sinus surgery when I was 18 years old. 
I went to an ENT, and everything looked normal to them. They sent me to a neurologist. I didn't understand why at the time.
Apparently, I had the type of migraines that produce mucus and such. So I had pretend sinus problems...it was really migraines.

So here, six years later, I still have some of the worst pain imaginable on a daily or weekly basis. I have tried so many different medications, muscle relaxers, injections. At the moment, I am taking the Aimovig injection (took my first injection yesterday). We'll see how this works. Nothing can make me feel any worse than I do now.

The point of all this is to explain why I am sometimes absent from writing anything...horrible pain (that and just not knowing where to begin with a topic). 

We can add chronic pain to the list of things I'll discuss.
I just have to get my act together. I can't become a world renown writer and blogger if I'm sitting here not writing and blogging.

Not that it matters right now, anyway, because I have no audience.

The Complexity of Domestic Violence (Part I)

As I mentioned eons ago, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Not everyone has experienced domestic violence, but I'm sure most people have heard about it. 
I am well aware that one of the first thoughts that come to mind when hearing about a domestic violence situation is, "Why doesn't the victim leave the abusive partner?".
I used to think that too. When I was young, and stupid I used to watch smutty daytime talk shows. I would think to myself, "Why is this lady or man with that loser? I would never let that happen to me.". 

NEVER in a zillion years would I have imagined that I would be in a similar situation!

There are so many different aspects of domestic violence, and of a domestically violent relationship, that there's no possible way for it to be entirely discussed in one "sitting" (hence the "Part I)". There isn't even an "entirety" when it come to the subject because it is constant, ongoing, and always evolving and taking on different forms.
You don't even realize that you're in a toxic relationship until it is too late. But, in reality, it is NEVER too late to break away from a toxic and violent relationship...physically, or mentally, or emotionally. 
That is the true reality. Although the reality we convince ourselves is otherwise. But, those lies which we convince ourselves that are true, are only there for life to make sense, and for some feeling of false peace. 

I'm thinking of, perhaps, discussing one aspect or subject of domestic violence at a time. It may take a while for me to perfect the way I talk about it here in blog form. I could write a book. I've been wanting to write a book. But, as I said, the subject is too complicated to be summarized at all.

I'll figure it out.

In the meantime, I will intermittently prove to all that I am not a vessel that is merely filled with whining, complaining, moaning, and groaning.
I am quite the funny individual, to be honest. 
To be honest, I am, also, the most honest individual. My memory is too bad for me to lie. I'm lucky to remember where I park my car...in my driveway.
*Funny, right?*

In the meantime, I will try to file my brain in an organized fashion. But, I'll warn you, that my mind hasn't been organized since 1981.

So, please, accept my advanced apologies for my occasional randomness and bouncing around.

October Is a Month for Awareness

Hi.

Every month is an "awareness month"...multiple "awarenesses". I am not complaining. There are several topics that need more awareness brought to them.

There are a couple of topics that are near and dear to my heart are: National Bullying Awareness Month, National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

These are all topics that I have experience in, unfortunately.

I started my blog a little too late to discuss National Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month back in September. But, I'll have time to during this month, I'm sure (there is a whole twenty seven days left).

I want to apologize in advance if it ever feels as though I am whining or complaining when it comes to these (or any) topics. My main goal is to give factual accounts of what it's like to "live" through these sort of events, feelings, emotions, etc.

The facts and events are objective. The feelings and emotional outcomes of said facts and events are, obviously, subjective. But, I will do my best to explain them as realistically, as understandably, as vividly, and in the most relatable way I possibly can. 

People who live through atrocious acts sometimes have difficulty finding the words to explain everything they have endured. 

I have been gifted a wonderful way with words (most of the time). I have been cursed to have lived through crappy situations.

I may as well try to unify the two.

Pardon the Interruption

Hi again.
I apologize for disappearing after only one blog entry. I have been in the extremely slooowww process of moving. As usual, everything that was out of my control was last minute.
I mean, what fun would it be if everything worked according to a somewhat planned time table??

I found out on September 24th that I could finally move. I had everything completely moved on September 30th. It took me a while, seeing as how I'm not the biggest person. Short legs and short arms can only do so much.

I have been without television and internet since September 30th. I feel so primitive. October 7th I'll be back in business, so to speak. 

I guess I picked the wrong time to start a blog. But that just figures. It's not the greatest first impression...but is quite memorable and standout-ish. I sure don't mind being different. 

Anyway, I just figured out how to use the internet connection from my phone on my computer (I'm not the most tech savvy person).

Well, I shall return. Soon. I promise.